Thoughts of a stay at home mom

OK so I have been a stay at home mom since the day i found out i was 5 mo. prego. I gave up my dreams , my ambitions, my needs, and myself.... to be a full time mom. It has not been easy what so ever. Although motherhood has it's wonderful moments, I think to myself, am i being selfish for wanting more than just, making breakfast, sweeping, doing laundry, making dinner and having the highlight of my day be how cleans my white got this time around?

I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to me? to who I was? Not the mom not the wife or the parent volunteer, But Me? The person who worked 12 hour work days? the person who was a full time college student? The person that shopped for underwear at Victoria's secret? who did her hair? who bought make-up? who went shopping ....for me, for myself,? the independent WOMAN THAT I WAS?

Rewind 5 years to NOW.... I haven't finished college ,,, one bec i don't have the time, and two bec i don't have the money. I can't remember the last time I bought new underwear ... let alone at a lingerie store. Pony tails have become my friends, Make-up well, I don't even know where that's at now. New clothes... well let's just say t-shirts ARE my closet. I have no job, at least one that pays me or praises me on a job well done. But try to find a job... good luck because all your experience is changing diapers, making bottles, putting on band-aids and kissing away bo boo's. Try to get a job... and see if that young fresh out of collage students doesn't get picked over you, because although they probably have never experience the responsibility of another human being they have an education that could probably pay off the rest of your mortgage.

I WANT MORE... more for me for my kids for my my husband for my family. I feel so alone sometimes like i am the only horrible person to feel like this. I feel like i betrayed my family just for even thinking this way.

No one ever talks about the how much a woman gives up to be a mom or a wife.no one tells you that when things get tough everyone else can fall apart but YOU CAN'T. How you have to be the one that figures it out. that when we bring home that baby for the first time.... there is no instruction Manuel... that when those late nights of crying come.... it's you who has to find a way to calm things down. That above all the FEAR, the Hurt, the Loneliness, and responsibility, you have to face the world.

And that this world is not about you anymore your needs are longer priority for your kids come first. 12 hour work day are out of the question.. bec what kind of mom would do that? So Much of me wants to be the perfect mom, the ones who volenteers at school who helps at field trips, who is at the bake sale, has the perfect family, clean house, well-behaved kids, and the nice home. But where does that leave ME. THE PERSON, THE WOMAN I WNAT TO BE? Is it too much to ask? too much to want more? To see that New York sky line and wonder about my dreams of what I could have been but am not? I want to have a career and be who i used to be. Have ambitions and Dreams and actually believe that they might come true one day. But I don't want to to leave what I have now.... My babies, and my husband. I have to learned to truely love another being just by being a mom and wife. I just want to feel like a woman Again.

A few of my favorite Pics

Photography has always been something that has been intereting. Everything from grabbing a 35 mm, or just a samll digital point and shoot. I love seeing the result that comes from capturing the moment and the emotions of individuals. I often allow my kids to take a shot at it and see what they see. The pictures that result from thier photography is at times amazing and even things I never thought about photograhing. If borrowing your digital is a thought that scares you let them handle a small disposible camera. It might get you some of your better shots.